Numb
by butterfly.cell
Summary: How did Jack's parting remark to Gwen in Meat S02E04 really affect Ianto? Ianto's POV. A songfic for Numb by Linkin Park. Jack/Ianto pairing duh


I'm a real real dork here. I was bbrowsing youtube for Jack/Ianto fan vids, and I stumbled across one for Numb by Linkin' Park for what happens to Ianto in Adam. I decided it would be fun to write a songfic for it, using a different event as the central focus.

I don't think some of it fits, but i rattled through the song and thought it displayed the darkness and hoplessness almost right. I hope you guys deem it worthy of a review or two!

**Disclaimer**: The characters belong ot Russel T. Davies, and the song belongs to Linkin Park, I own nothing!

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Numb by Linkin' Park

_**I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless  
Lost under the surface**_

Yet again, Jack had built his hopes up, built his hopes up of being more than just a passing shag. Yet again, Jack had shot them down with his carelessness. Gwen may have been threatening to walk out of them, but Jack must've known precisely what he had said. He must've known that Ianto was standing behind him. He had to. But then, shouldn't Jack know that Ianto thought of him as something more than that?

Sighing heavily, he felt his heart fracture just that little bit more. Tears didn't even threatened. He couldn't hope to know what Jack was thinking, whether Jack had any real feelings for him. He felt mute, empty, lost. When Jack didn't look around at him, he felt what little faith he had in the man wither and die in the back of his mind. He knew that he'd go to him when he was needed. He'd go t Jack and he'd be whatever Jack wanted him to be, just as long as he got to spend time alone with him.

_**Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure  
Of walking in your shoes **_

_**Every step that I take is another mistake to you**_

After everyone had left the hub, Jack called Ianto into his office, gesturing him to come over to the desk. Ianto had shuffled silently over, forcing a fake smile onto his features. He let Jack kiss him, hold him, caress him. He played along with what Jack wanted from him, every second of it feeling like torture. Every time Jack touched him, he felt his skin burn. Every time Jack kissed him, he felt like he was suffocated from something more than air.

He knew that carrying on this way wouldn't get him anywhere, wouldn't tell Jack of the torment that riddled his gut, but he knew that if he turned away, he risked losing every thing. There was still a chance, still a faint ghost of hope hidden deep within him, and he wasn't quite ready to let it die. He knew he was being used, but with a cruel satisfaction, he let it happen.

_**I've become so numb  
I can feel you there  
I've become so tired  
So much more aware**_

Jack convinced him to stay that night, to curl up in the tiny sleep space. Correction, to be curled around in the tiny sleep space. He lay still for the entire night, Jack's arms around his waist and his front pressed to Ianto's back as the American drifted in and out of sleep. Ianto couldn't even feel the pull of unconsciousness, despite how tired he was. He felt weary to his bones, a deep ache that blocked every thing else out. He couldn't feel Jack's arms, couldn't feel the heat from his body, couldn't feel the gentle breath on the back of his neck.

He just felt cold, numb. Ianto was remembering all the words Jack had whispered in the middle of the nights they'd spent together; the promises, the compliments, to declarations of love. A bitter laugh gripped his throat as he remembered the tone in his words as he ordered Gwen back to the hub the next day. That simple under current told Ianto every thing he needed to know about the location of Jack's affections.

_**I'm becoming this  
All I want to do  
Is be more me  
And be less like you**_

The next morning was slightly awkward for everyone. Ianto had silently handed the coffees out, a forced smile on his face when needed, some well chosen words for when he was spoken to. He could feel Jack's gaze lingering on Gwen and caught it on a couple of occasions. He didn't feel hurt, just another throb of that bone deep ache.

He felt a little piece of him slip away, fall from him to a place where he knew he couldn't retrieve it from. He couldn't believe he was starting to act like him, starting to treat Torchwood in the same cavalier fashion that got Jack killed on so many occasions. He knew then that he'd started to slip in his standard of work and vowed, standing right there in Jack's office, that he would never let someone get between him and work again. He shoved Jack's coffee onto his desk and gave him a look of pure contempt.

_**Can you see that your smothering me  
Holding too tightly  
Afraid to lose control**  
_

Jack noticed that and gave him an odd look, grabbing his wrist tightly to stop him from leaving the room. Ianto just froze in place. Another dull throb to the gut and the beginnings of a painful headache. Jack gave him a questioning look, but Ianto couldn't bring himself to explain his actions. He knew that there was nothing he could say that would make Jack choose him over Gwen. He only settled for him because Gwen was with Rhys. The following throb to the gut was harsher and more excruciating that before.

Still, he didn't twist free of Jack's grip, the hypnotic eyes kept him in place. It wasn't until Gwen called Jack from the hub that he let him go, giving him one last look before moving off to see what she wanted.

_**Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Is falling apart  
Right in front of you**  
_

That evening he'd slipped away from the hub without anyone noticing. The first thing he did when he reached his flat was to find the new bottle of Jack Daniels in his cupboard. He didn't bother with a glass, he just took his jacket off, unfastened his waistcoat and loosened his tie, dropping onto the sofa in the small living area. He pulled the lid off the bottle and took a large mouthful, slumping down and closing his eyes.

The evening followed in a similar fashion until the bottle was nearly empty. Ianto couldn't have moved if he'd wanted to, so when Jack stormed into his flat and stood staring at him from the doorway, Ianto barely had the awareness to say hello. Jack stood there and looked at him, a mixture of expressions on his face. Ianto couldn't read it, but he knew that somewhere underneath it all, he was registering disappointment. He was surprised to find he didn't even care. Maybe with Jack out of his life, he'd be able to feel something real again, instead of the cocktail of artificial and manufactured feelings Jack was feeding him on a daily basis.

_**Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
And every second I waste is more then I can take**_

Ianto had enough strength to order Jack to leave him alone, but Jack didn't move. He stood there and stared at the young man. Ianto pushed himself to his feet and stood on a level with Jack, keeping his eyes locked with the other man's. Jack was startled to see absolutely no emotion in the young man's eyes. No matter how drunk he was, he'd expected something. There was no anger, to affection, no guilt or lust. Nothing.

Ianto said nothing and moved off to the second room, the bedroom. Jack took a step towards him, but decided against it. Something had happened, and he wouldn't find out what until the young man had sobered up. Instead, he dropped down onto the sofa and waited for the night to pass.

_**I've become so numb  
I can feel you there  
I've become so tired  
So much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
All I want to do  
Is be more me  
And be less like you**_

_**And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me  
With someone disappointed in you**_

The argument that ensued the next morning was something neither had expected. Ianto wasn't even angry, he was just trying to provoke something inside himself that he desperately wanted to feel. Jack had yelled himself to tears, Ianto had yelled himself hoarse. Jack looked at him with so much hurt in his eyes that Ianto finally felt something squirming, a faint spark that ignited.

He watched silently as Jack dropped onto the sofa and buried his face in his hands. He stood still, hands in pockets, not knowing what to do. He'd done something terrible to them over the last couple of days, no matter what Jack may have done to trigger it. He'd given up on them, whether he should've or not was a different tale. He looked at Jack and he realised he'd failed him. He knew that Gwen would never be with him, but he also knew that Jack's affections for the woman only occasionally ran on the level they'd all witnessed the day before. How deep his affections for Ianto were remained to be seen.

Deciding to show some of the pity now welling in him, he reached out and stroked Jack's hair gently. He wasn't surprised when Jack stood up and looked him in the eye for a moment before pulling him into a deep and almost violent kiss. Ianto didn't feel the way he knew he should have, but he did feel something, something reminiscent of what he would've felt a week before. He knew the trust would take a while to build back up, the lost faith would take a while to recapture, but he knew now that Jack understood what he'd been yelling about for the past hour. He knew how his words to Gwen had struck a blow to the Welshman.

Maybe, with a bit of luck, they could heal the rift. If Jack was more careful, more considerate of Ianto, and Ianto in turn accepted that what he got from Jack was the best he could hope for at the moment, then maybe, just maybe, the deep aching numbness in his bones would leave him in time.

_**I've become so numb  
I can feel you there  
I've become so tired  
So much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
All I want to do  
Is be more me  
And be less like you**  
_


End file.
